Saturday, March 27, 2010

Second Chances

Why is it justified when women cheat but for men there are no excuses?

A friend of mine confided in me about her situation with her child’s father who had cheated on her and left her to be with another woman and now he wanted her back. She asked me what it was that I thought she should do even though she had somewhat made up her mind already. She wanted to just close the door on him forever and be done with him in that way. However I, being the hopeless romantic and the one who is forever optimistic, told her that she shouldn’t just close the door on the possibility. When prompted with the obvious question of why she should set herself up to be hurt again I just had one response. Isn’t there a such thing as a second chance?

Now this coming from me was surprising even to myself because I myself have been through what feels like an up and down roller coaster ride with my child’s father. But my situation is not hers. I do believe that people deserve a second chance, and hell some would say three strikes and you’re out. Even though you hear people say that in a sense men are like leopards because a leopard never changes its spots and I have even gone around myself stating that men are always going to be nothing but the dogs that they are. But even still there are a very small margin of people that can change and can truly be remorseful for what they did. They may have even needed to have made the mistake that they made just to see how much the grass was not greener on the other side.

I guess my reasoning for being so “forgiving” as my friend said is because I see things from two sides of the same coin. We, and I mean us women, are so quick to dismiss a man for his infidelity and wrongs that he committed but somehow we forget that women cheat too. And maybe this does not apply to you but we all know of at the very least one female who has stepped out there on their mate and we’ve comforted them through their situation. We’ve been the shoulder to lean on when their man found out and kicked them to the curb. We’ve even probably gone as far as to say to them that he should’ve given her another chance and taken her back. So why are we so forgiving for our female friends who have strayed but if it were us who got cheated on by our man then it’s “to hell with him” and we never even give the “second chance” a thought.

I know that I probably sound like an idiot and believe me I am in no way on the man’s side but I just think there’s a double standard going on here. I researched the statistics of infidelity and they actually show that in marriages it is now the woman who is found to be more likely to cheat then the man. I wasn’t actually shocked when I read that because I can sort of see it happening all around me. I’m not in any way saying that it’s not a big deal when men cheat but how can we persecute them so extremely when there are women out there who do the exact same thing. Hell sometimes we even congratulate the ones who do. We sympathize with whatever their reasoning is and tell them that they are justified. What about men and their reasoning? Even though they’re not as quick as we are to show it, aren’t they emotional beings too. Women have a right to cheat when they feel they are being neglected by their mate but what about if men feel the same way about theirs. We see men as just cheating because they want to get more notches on their bedpost or because of their egos but what if it’s more so because of their insecurities and their low self-esteem. Now that doesn’t make it right but then again it doesn’t make it right when women cheat for those reasons either. All I’m saying is that we need to really do some thinking about whether we’re dishing out the same treatment that we would want someone to dish out to us. Haven’t you ever needed a second chance?

Jimmetta Carpenter
Writer/Editor
The Diary: Succession of Lies (Release Date To Be Announced)
Writing as “Jaycee Durant”
www.freefalllit.com
http://unpleasantlyplump.wordpress.com/
http://writetobe.wordpress.com/
http://spokenlikeaqueen.blogspot.com/
www.myspace.com/jcladyluv
www.lulu.com/ladybugpress
www.authorsden.com/jimmettacarpenter

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

The General Standard

I have a friend who said that she made a list of characteristics that she wanted in a man to put under her pillow and pray on it. That would be a perfectly fine thing to do with the exception of the fact that I found some of her requirements a little bit on the extreme side. For instance she wanted a man who didn’t smoke, didn’t drink, didn’t curse, didn’t have any kids, made at least six figures a year, and doesn’t lie and that’s just to name a few. Now those are nice to hope for but realistically is any woman going to find a man who doesn’t smoke, and doesn’t drink, maybe one or the other would be plausible but not both. And a man who doesn’t curse, and doesn’t lie and who doesn’t have any kids is damn near impossible. I mean it is very logical that we all have standards that we want the man we are looking for to have but maybe we should be asking ourselves are these standards reasonable or are they just too high for any man to ever meet?

It is nice to think that we can pick and choose which qualities gets instilled in our mates and if we could instantly remove the ones that we don’t necessarily like but life just doesn’t work that way. We love who we love and we take them with the good and the bad. Altering them to our satisfaction just isn’t an option nor should it be. What would we do with someone who was a perfect match to our criteria? We’d often find ourselves a little bit bored looking for something about them that is unique and special and that sets them apart from any other mate you could possibly want to be with. We’re all bound to find little parts of our mates personalities that we would like to make disappear but would they be the person you really want to be with without them.

With our checklist in hand we women sometimes approach men with the attitude that if there’s a quality on our list that they don’t have they haven’t got a shot and I have found out that men find that attitude to be very intimidating. It can not only make a man feel inadequate around a woman but it could even make him live under his potential believing that that is what we expect of them anyway. Now I am in no way saying that we shouldn’t have high standards for ourselves that there aren’t things that we have a right to expect from men but I think that women need to reevaluate their lists and think long and hard about whether they are going to be able to find a man that can live up to each and every one of those must have qualities. We have a right to expect men to respect us and that we’re treated with decency and that each partner equally pull their weight in a relationship. But when it comes to things like no drinking, no smoking, no kids, or the salary that they make…these are items on the list that may be a little too much to ask for.

We all want the “perfect” man but let’s get real, who in this world is perfect? We women ourselves are far from perfect so why on earth would we ever expect the men in our lives to be. I’m not saying that we should just expect the worst and then if we happen to get better then what we expected then we’ve done good for ourselves. Well, maybe that is what I’m saying. Let’s face it, most men we’ve come in contact with have cheated, lied, or have stolen, if not from us from someone we know. Why are we surprised when they repeat the same behavior to someone else? Why do we keep expecting men to be these infallible, unflawed, human beings when we obviously and painfully know better? Yet still the next time we hold out immeasurable hope of a different outcome. Now that’s not to say that there aren’t some men out here that can do right by a woman and that do know how to treat a good woman when he has one but I’m quite sure that they had a woman who accepted them whether they were flawed or not. Now for my friend who still puts the paper under her pillow with her list of high standards that a man must meet, I am not saying don’t have any standards for the men that come into your life. I just hope that you realize that you may be searching for that perfect man with those perfect qualities for a very long time.

Jimmetta Carpenter
The Diary: Succession of Lies (Release Date To Be Announced)
Writing as “Jaycee Durant”
www.freefalllit.com
http://unpleasantlyplump.wordpress.com/
http://writetobe.wordpress.com/
http://spokenlikeaqueen.blogspot.com/
www.myspace.com/jcladyluv
www.lulu.com/ladybugpress
www.authorsden.com/jimmettacarpenter

Monday, March 22, 2010

Starving For Love

Love is said to come in all shapes and sizes and in many different forms. So if that’s what people really believe than why is it that every man wants a woman that fits in clothes anywhere between a size 0 to a 10. What makes a woman who wears a size 4 any more attractive than the woman who wears a size 24? And why is it that when a full figured woman does get a decent man either it’s because he wants to take advantage of whatever insecurities she may have or it’s due to insecurities of his own? Why doesn’t the male species see full figured women as being good enough to fit their standards of beauty?

Okay sure there is that category of men who love a full figured woman and it is an honest attraction without any hidden agenda’s but there are far too few men in that category. Society places too much emphasis on the “pretty woman” having the “perfect” shape but is that really fair to make women feel like they’re any less of a woman because they can’t easily step into a size 2. It most likely is the number one reason why we have so many women walking around the world with eating disorders that no one would even think they have because they have the “perfect” image for a woman but maybe the pressure is making them do unnecessary things to maintain a weight that they feel is acceptable by the rest of the world.

It’s almost as if you are not only looked down upon if you’re over a certain size but people begin to look past you and act as if you are not even a human being anymore because you wear a size 16 or above. I constantly overhear people talking about overweight women, laughing and commenting on how they feel that “fat” people should be able to control their eating. I just think to myself if only these narrow minded people understood that it isn’t always that simple. True there are some people that are overweight because they eat entirely too much but the majority of people who are overweight are that way because of many reasons that don’t even involve them overeating. I happen to be a larger sized woman and I barely eat three meals a day let alone stuff myself so much that I am overweight but I have learned to accept who I am and that I will probably always be a little on the heavy side. But it doesn’t make me any less of a beautiful person because I don’t wear a size 4.

In terms of finding a decent man I have always gotten the comments from people like “she’s pretty but if she would loose a little weight I would date her”. It made me sad at first and down right angry but in time I learned to cope with the narrow minds of some men and accept that it’s their own insecurities that make them think that way. But it still makes me wonder what made men think that there was only supposed to be one kind of woman on this earth, that being the women that fall below a size 10, and what makes them think that the women who are of “standard” size are what they’re really looking for.

Society has placed such a high standard of beauty on every woman that it is starting to come at a very high price. It’s as if to be loved women have to be “perfect” in the eyes of the world as well as the man that they’re trying to impress. It shouldn’t be that hard to accept people for who they are no matter what they look like on the outside. Some of the most beautiful women aren’t the ones who have an obvious beauty, but instead they have that ordinary kind-of beauty that doesn’t hit you right away. If you keep looking for something that’s not there, you’re going to miss everything it is that they’re offering. When choosing to be with someone size shouldn’t be a factor and there isn’t any person, man or woman, who should ever have to find themselves in the position where they are “starving for love.”

Jimmetta Carpenter
The Diary: Succession of Lies (Release Date To Be Announced)
Writing as “Jaycee Durant”
www.freefalllit.com
http://unpleasantlyplump.wordpress.com/
http://writetobe.wordpress.com/
http://spokenlikeaqueen.blogspot.com/
www.myspace.com/jcladyluv
www.lulu.com/ladybugpress
www.authorsden.com/jimmettacarpenter

Friday, March 19, 2010

Why Does The Chase Have To End?

I was talking with a friend the other day about ways of men and the things they do that drive women crazy and annoy us to no end. One of the things that was discussed was that we didn’t understand why when men do all this chasing to get a woman’s attention and to win her over and then spoil her with the kind of treatment that is foreign to her and then all of a sudden once they’ve gotten what they wanted (and I’m not talking about sex) they just stop. The attention gets less and less. The pampering and spoiling dwindle down almost to none. Sometimes in the case of some people their sex life even begins to suffer. It’s as if now that they know that they have that particular woman and that she loves them and that in their mind she isn’t going anywhere, they don’t have to continue doing the things that got her to that point. So I guess it leads me to wonder, can a woman ever really allow herself to be caught?

Now I know that there are some men (few and far between) that do continue the things that they started, probably because they realize that what he did to get her the next man can do as well but for a vast majority of men this seems to apply. I have even gotten the advice from some women that they feel that women can never truly let a man know that they’ve got them because then the chase will be over and the man will lose interest. I’ve heard from some men that they do like the chase and that it is true that the chase is the most exciting part of the relationship but doesn’t that pose another problem. If a woman is always running and the man is always chasing doesn’t that mean inevitably we are still playing games and isn’t that the thing that we don’t want in a relationship?

It just seems that chasing shouldn’t be the only thing of interest to the man. They should enjoy that they actually caught the woman that they chased so hard after and the woman should be able to enjoy being caught by the man that flattered her with all the chasing. Just because the chasing ends shouldn’t mean that the things that a man did while chasing her should end. It doesn’t mean that a man’s mentality should all of a sudden be “well I got her so now I can ignore her”. In my opinion that doesn’t show that the man appreciates what it is that he really got. I kind of feel like if I feel the guy I’m dating is slipping in the areas that drew me to him in the first place then I should say something about it and although the man might consider it nagging it still must be said, “This is the way you got me, so this is the way you have to keep me.”

While I know that to some women this is not a big deal. They expect a change within the relationship when it isn’t so new anymore and feel that it is nothing to nag about. While I know that a change does come when a relationship turns from new to not so new and then to just routine, I still do not expect a total decline. I think that men do take us for granted a little bit but I also think that we tend to let them. Why don’t we deserve to be spoiled and pampered for the entire relationship if that’s the way things started off? Why can’t we expect the same amount of attention for the entire time when it started off with huge amounts of attention? I know that for me I am so used to getting the bad treatment that when I got the good treatment it spoiled me and I would like to stay spoiled. I feel like with all I’ve been through that I deserve to be. I feel that all women are worth the eternal chase. To me the chase should never be over.


Jimmetta Carpenter
“The Diary: Succession of Lies” (Release Date To Be Announced)
Writing as “Jaycee Durant”
www.myspace.com/jcladyluv
www.lulu.com/ladybugpress
www.authorsden.com/jimmettacarpenter
http://unpleasantlyplump.wordpress.com/
http://writetobe.wordpress.com/
www.freefalllit.com
http://spokenlikeaqueen.blogspot.com/

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Exposing Myself ?

My biggest problem with relationships is the fact that I wear my heart on my sleeve. It’s my biggest problem in life really because if everyone can see what it is you’re feeling it’s very easy for someone to take advantage of that. For me it’s always been very hard to disguise how I’m feeling or to even mask it a little. I’m an extremely emotional person who believes in showing how I feel but I’m starting to wonder if maybe I have exposed too much of my heart to others and if maybe that isn’t the reason why I’ve never been able to get love right.

I take the head first approach when it comes to love and I am the kind of person that will wear their heart on their sleeve but I think that it has been working against me rather then for me. I thought the open and honest approach was something that people would appreciate but apparently people like for you to hide your feelings and to hold back. It seems that in love and relationships when you keep your heart covered up and your feelings to yourself and act as if you’re not interested you get more results that way. But the minute you let your feelings out of the bag and give a little bit of yourself then all of a sudden the interest is gone. Kind of the “they want what they can’t have but when they can have it they don’t want it” approach.
I feel like I can’t win either way when it comes to love. Like if I let myself go and show my feelings and bear my heart to someone then I’m taken for granted but when I hold back and keep my feelings to myself then I’m accused of not opening up and I risk loosing what it is that I want. I just can’t seem to get it right no matter how hard I try. I guess the question in all of this is can you get what you want out of a relationship by wearing your heart on your sleeve or holding back. Is there a middle ground in there somewhere? Can you hold back and still give a piece of yourself?

I haven’t figured out what the answer to that question is. I do know that neither one seem to be working for me. I guess maybe you have to be able to read the person that you’re getting involved with. Are they the type that is receptive to you bearing all of yourself and showing your heart or are you involved with the type of person that would just rather not know what it is that you’re feeling? I guess in certain situations some things are better left unsaid or not shown. I’m still going to continue to look for that middle ground because there has to be a way to achieve a little bit of both sides. If there was only a guidebook that came with men and that told us what to do with which men everything would be much simpler. Unfortunately for my and my poor worn out heart there isn’t and I am left to figure it all out on my own. Just hope that my heart is worn out by the time I finally figure this love stuff out.


by Jimmetta Carpenter

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

The Perfect Timing

Is there really such a thing as soul mates and true love or are we all searching for something that isn’t there? My view on soul mates and true love have changed so much over the last couple of years thanks to the heartbreaks that have, at that time, felt like the end of the world. At one point in time I would have to say that I honestly hoped that true love existed but had no real proof that it did. I listened to others speak of their “soul mates” and “loves of their lives” and either wondered where was my soul mate at or I thought “what a loud of bull shit.” But I guess even the cynical side of me couldn’t deny the reality that true love and soul mates do exist. My only question that gets left unanswered is do we really only get one?

What about those people who meet their soul mates and for whatever reason the timing isn’t right. So if they somehow can’t be together then do they just move on to the next? Do they just miss out on their one true love and just settle for the next. It sounds ridiculous that if we want to be with our true love and the timing is a little off that we sit around and wait for the timing to be right instead of just moving on to find someone else and just be content in the fact that we have found love again even if it’s not our soul mates. But there are some who act as if soul mates are disposable and if you miss out on one you can just create another. I for a fact know that it doesn’t work that way.

I found my soul mate. He was, is, and always will be the love of my life and while I know in my heart that he loves me the timing for us just wasn’t right. Sometimes I think that I’m supposed to move on and find happiness elsewhere. I feel like I deserve to have my soul mate and that I shouldn’t have to settle for just being content. While I know that waiting is a very romantic yet na├»ve notion I just can’t see myself being alone and even worse being lonely indefinitely. But does that mean that he wasn’t really my soul mate? I have a friend that keeps telling me that if we were really soul mates then we would’ve found a way to be with each other and we would’ve made the timing right. The problem with that thought process is that we don’t live in a perfect world where we can make everything the way we want it all the time and where our right time doesn’t necessarily have to be someone else’s wrong time. We can’t just force everything to fit the way we want it to.

Timing really is everything and the sad thing is if we find our soul mate at a time that is all wrong for them then what are we to do? There is definitely a such thing as soul mates and true love but I think what people have forgotten to tell us about these two very precious and rare finds is that you have to find yours at precisely the same time that your soul mate is looking for his or else the timing just may not match up. True, if they are already with someone else when you two find each other they could just get out of that relationship and begin one with you and it would be great if it worked out that way but the reality is that things don’t always work out that way. We can’t always be with the one that we love and the one that we feel we were put on this earth to be with. So do we just wait around for that soul mate or do we move on to find another? Can we have more then one soul mate or are we just going to have to pray that fate coincides with timing? Do soul mates really exist or are we just searching for what we think a soul mate should be. Could we be so enthralled in the one we think is meant for us that we miss the soul that we were truly meant to mate with?

by Jimmetta Carpenter
© March 2010 (reprint)


Jimmetta Carpenter
Writer/Editor
“The Diary: Succession of Lies” (Release Date To Be Announced)
Writing as “Jaycee Durant”
http://www.blogger.com/Free%20Fall%20Newsletter/www.myspace.com/jcladyluv
http://www.blogger.com/Free%20Fall%20Newsletter/www.lulu.com/ladybugpress
www.authorsden.com/jimmettacarpenter
http://unpleasantlyplump.wordpress.com/
http://writetobe.wordpress.com/
http://www.freefalllit.com/